Of sobs and wails and and teary eyed bails

I find it funny how soft and weepy I've become. Maybe it's the homesickness, maybe I'm actually a human being (which, let's face it, I've been afraid to admit from day one).

Watching this House episode, episode 11, the last one, "Joy to the World," about this teenage girl who is large, smart and very picked on who got pregnant and hid it from everyone and gave birth in an abandoned house and left the child when she could not get her to breathe no matter how hard she tried and then developed eclampsia afterwards. When the parents of this teenage girl find out about it and the girl starts to talk (she had had noticeable, and once explained understandable, unquenchable guilt and depression) her parents sob with her. I realized that if I were her parent I would be weeping not only for her but for the fact that she went through it all alone. And of course I started the whole silent stoic in tears thing. (Stoic only applicable at certain times.) Later they found the baby alive. Some people who ran a crack business found her in their abandoned house hang out and resuscitated the baby and took care of her. Of course I cried then and when they could do nothing for the teenage mother who passed away because of the permanent liver, lung and heart damage.

The randomness of life is some times extremely difficult. If ever I have children, I want them to have complete faith in my unconditional love. I never want to feel what her parents were feeling and I never want to fail my kids in not being there for them, in not being on their side, in being clueless about their lives.

Amen and amen.

Peace on earth, good will to students

Things to do before I head out of town tomorrow:

Clean my apartment. WITH chemicals.

Return stuff to Target.

Fix Trevor's Christmas gift.

Do all my necessary laundry.

Get the rest of Ethan's Christmas gift.

Pack.

Clean car.

Call the airline about checked luggage and MP3 players.

Print off ticket and itinerary.

I meant to do this all tonight since by a stroke of the Hand of God I got someone to cover my entire shift tomorrow, because I have to head out around 1pm now. But no. I'm writing in this blog that no one reads, making lists, working on Ethan's blanket, drinking mango smoothie and eating my vegan guilty pleasure: tater tots.

Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day, but I can rest easy in that I am now OFFICIALLY on BREAK! Glory to God in the Highest! Peace on earth, good will to students!

Ornaments, moldy jars and chocolate I can't have

My little old grandma and I did Christmas today. She went down to her nursing home's little gift shop before I came over and bought me a present of some second hand ornaments and a jar with a molding seal and chocolate that I can't eat. Her dementia is getting tons worse and I just hope somewhere deep down inside she realizes that she's loved.

Of everything I receive this Christmas, I'm pretty sure her ornaments, the moldy jar and the chocolate I will give away mean more to me than anything else. Goodness how I love this woman. For all her cantankerousness, I hope one day with all my heart to have a heart as big and full as hers; to give the gift of unconditional love like she has. I don't think she'll realize how much she has effected her posterity in the positive until she reaches the other side of the veil.

Balls on my floor

Sequence ravelled out of reach
Like balls upon the floor. 
Splayed, they did, upon that floor
and ran away from me,
as if they knew that I
might try to gather them 
to see what I could see.

Rolling, rolling,
taunting, taunting,
gloating in the rooms inside my mind
they went
and slipped through my consciousness
towards nothingness
like happiness
and leisure.

Sequence ravelled out of reach,
like balls upon a floor,
and took the form of an eternal truth:
that of discontinuity.

The more I strain to see what can be seen,
to gather the balls of my reality 
and understand them as cohesive sense
the more God laughs. 
In my defense, I'm only human 
and the balls of my reality should be neat and orderly.  

"I, poor child, grew up and flourished, like some vigorous shoot..."

So alas, here is my first post on Blogger. We'll just ignore my old-enough-to-be-a-6th-grader livejournal.

I'm done with finals!!! And I'm SO exhausted!

I suddenly have time to do things, but I can't shake this ominous feeling of doom and doubt.


"Thus He spake, and once more into the former bowl, wherein He had blended and mixed the Soul of the Universe, He poured the residue of the previous material, mixing it in somewhat the same manner, yet no longer with a uniform and invariable purity, but second and third in degree of purity. And when He had compounded the whole He divided it into souls equal in number to the stars, and each several soul He assigned to one star, and setting them each as it were in a chariot He showed them the nature of the Universe, and declared unto them the laws of destiny,--namely, how that the first birth should be one and the same ordained for all, in order that none might be slighted by Him; and how it was needful that they, when sown each into his own proper organ of time, should grow into the most god-fearing and creative of living creatures; [and eventually become as God]."
from Plato's Timaeus